Does your child say things out loud that they shouldn’t? Do they act in ways that make others uncomfortable? Many children need to be taught social rules, because so many of them are hidden or unspoken. Two tools make this easier: “think it or say it” and “expected vs. unexpected behavior.”
At Enrichment Therapy & Learning Center (ETLC), we use materials from the Social Thinking Curriculum by Michelle Garcia Winner. The goal is for children to understand that their words and actions affect other people, and to start choosing what to say and do.
Think It or Say It
It can be embarrassing when a young child announces at the holiday dinner table that they have to go number 2, or when a school-aged child tells Aunt Sally that her haircut looks like a cartoon character. It may seem funny later, but it is not funny to Aunt Sally. Here we focus on the things older kids say aloud that they probably shouldn’t.
Try the Toothpaste Demonstration
First, get a paper plate and a small tube of toothpaste. Let your child squeeze all of the toothpaste onto the plate. Then tell them the toothpaste is their words, and ask them to put it back in the tube. They can’t, and in the same way, words can’t be taken back once they leave your mouth.
Thought Bubbles, Talk Bubbles, and the Filter
Next, explain that we have thoughts that stay in our heads and words that other people can hear. A poster with a thought bubble and a talking bubble can make this clear. After that, introduce a filter. Everything you want to say goes through the filter and sorts into “think it” or “say it.” The filter catches things that might hurt someone’s feelings. Even if you hate Aunt Sally’s haircut, saying so would make her sad, so that is something to think.
Practice Sorting
Read a variety of things a person might think or say, and have your child sort them. You can also label two containers, “think it” and “say it,” and have your child drop each scenario into the right one. Use examples that are relatable to your child. The key is the discussion, such as why a comment about a haircut really hurts.
Expected vs. Unexpected Behavior
Some children also have a hard time knowing how to act in certain situations. They may do things that feel unexpected to the people around them. Start by teaching which behaviors are “expected” and which are “unexpected,” and name the place you are talking about. For example, taking your shoes off at the door is expected at home, but at school it is unexpected.
Classroom Examples
- Expected: listening to the teacher, sharing with friends, walking in a line in the hallway, sitting quietly at your desk, and doing all of your work without complaining.
- Unexpected: bossing classmates around, throwing a pencil, picking your nose, interrupting others, and yelling in the library.
Read a variety of behaviors and have your child sort them into “expected” and “unexpected” containers. Printable sorting games are easy to find, or you can make your own with pictures from home.
Use It in the Moment
Once your child understands the idea, use it right after an unexpected behavior. Ask what they did and whether it was expected or unexpected. Then ask why, and what they could do next time. Talk about how unexpected behavior makes others feel, and make a chart with “how it makes my friends feel” beside each one. Finally, remind your child these are hard things to learn, and tell them you are proud of their effort.
Frequently Asked Questions
How do I explain hidden social rules to my child?
Name the rule out loud, give a quick example, and practice during calm times. Sorting activities make an abstract idea concrete.
What should I do when my child says something hurtful?
Stay calm, and wait until later to talk about it. Ask whether it was a “think it” or a “say it,” and how the other person felt. Then practice what they could say instead.
When should I talk to a speech-language pathologist about social skills?
If your child often struggles with social rules, friendships, or perspective taking, an evaluation can show what support would help.
How ETLC Can Help
Our speech-language pathologists teach social skills using the Social Thinking Curriculum and other evidence-based approaches. Enrichment Therapy & Learning Center has locations in Johnston and North Liberty, IA, with virtual services also available.
Learn more about social skills support at ETLC or schedule a free consultation to talk with a member of our team.
You may also find these pages helpful:
- Size of the Problem: Teaching Kids to Match Their Reaction
- Social Skills Activities for Kids
- What Is a Social Story?
About the Author
Sonia Strueby, M.A., CCC-SLP, is the founder of Enrichment Therapy & Learning Center. With over 25 years of experience as a speech-language pathologist, Sonia has dedicated her career to helping children overcome complex communication and academic challenges. She has advanced training and a special focus on treating dyslexia and childhood apraxia of speech, and she is passionate about providing families with a clear path to success.
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